In the previous posts Critiquing "Feminist" Marketing (Part 1) and Critiquing "Feminist" Marketing (Part 2), we discussed changes in and repercussions of mass media's co-opt of the "feminist" message, and we examined the overt versus subliminal concepts inherent in each. Now we move into the realm of why these subliminal messages find fertile ground within our minds.
Our eyes are our windows to the world. They're what helps our unconscious determine what is real and what is not. They show us our tribe, connect us to the people we love, respect, and hate, and they help us find our place within that social order. Now that we've moved beyond 100-person villages -- Who is our tribe, and how do we know them?
We now have virtual tribes composed of real, physical humans and the virtual people that mass media brings within our personal sphere. We see the same newscasters every morning and every night, we see and hear the same television and radio hosts over and over, and we are bombarded by model hawkers constantly. At a certain point, our brains begin to subliminally incorporate these people into our tribe.
Critiquing "Feminist" Marketing (Part 2)
In the previous post Critiquing "Feminist" Marketing (Part 1), we compared the messages between a current Verizon ad and a Nike ad from the mid-'90s. While the overt messages inherent in ads that speak to women have changed over the years, so have the subliminal ones. Recent years have brought us more modern interpretations of the female experience, including its lice-ridden underbelly.
In the mid '00s, Dove began the "Campaign for Real Beauty". Early in the campaign, the FCC banned this "Pro-Age" ad because it apparently didn't conform to FCC regulations:
Holey rusted door, Batgirl! We have Victoria's Secret models parading their perfect bodies on stage, we have scantily-clad cheerleaders gyrating at every profession sporting event, and we have teen pop stars wiggling their advocation of adult sexuality to preteens, but Christ forbid that normal, older, fig-leafed women be visible on television. Ever.
Never mind that these older women are more "covered" than said models, cheerleaders, or pop-stars, and never mind that these older women are not parading, gyrating, or wiggling. Just know that a woman over the age of 25 who shows more than 8 square inches of exposed non-face, non-hand skin is so patently offensive to the US public that complaints provoked the FCC to use the grey areas in their guidelines to ban said ad.
What wasn't banned was the "Evolution" ad, and it's actually my favorite:
Even without the digital trickery, I'd look like a supermodel, too, if I had a team of hair and make-up professionals at my side every morning! While digesting this ad, considering it's wider implications, I held my breath waiting to see what was next.
Supplementing the "Evolution" ad, consider another mid-'00s video in which a digital artist transforms a normal-looking woman into a glamorous goddess thanks to the wonders of Photoshop (sorry for the pop-up ad on the video, just click the [x]):
I am particularly fond of the instant weight-loss and skin perfection. The hair extensions are a nice touch as well. Doubleplusgood on the removal of the spectacles. Compare the two pictures, and you could be forgiven for thinking that these women are sisters instead of the same person. Of particular angst to me is that the creator/poster of this video had so many requests for same that she posted links to tutorials showing aspiring digital artists how to accomplish these same tricks and pointed out where the eyelash brush can be downloaded. Instead of outrage, worship? Kill me.
In the next post we move further into why and how the cultural programming of impossible beauty standards works and the effects of same.
~Riot.Jane
In the mid '00s, Dove began the "Campaign for Real Beauty". Early in the campaign, the FCC banned this "Pro-Age" ad because it apparently didn't conform to FCC regulations:
Holey rusted door, Batgirl! We have Victoria's Secret models parading their perfect bodies on stage, we have scantily-clad cheerleaders gyrating at every profession sporting event, and we have teen pop stars wiggling their advocation of adult sexuality to preteens, but Christ forbid that normal, older, fig-leafed women be visible on television. Ever.
Never mind that these older women are more "covered" than said models, cheerleaders, or pop-stars, and never mind that these older women are not parading, gyrating, or wiggling. Just know that a woman over the age of 25 who shows more than 8 square inches of exposed non-face, non-hand skin is so patently offensive to the US public that complaints provoked the FCC to use the grey areas in their guidelines to ban said ad.
What wasn't banned was the "Evolution" ad, and it's actually my favorite:
Even without the digital trickery, I'd look like a supermodel, too, if I had a team of hair and make-up professionals at my side every morning! While digesting this ad, considering it's wider implications, I held my breath waiting to see what was next.
Supplementing the "Evolution" ad, consider another mid-'00s video in which a digital artist transforms a normal-looking woman into a glamorous goddess thanks to the wonders of Photoshop (sorry for the pop-up ad on the video, just click the [x]):
I am particularly fond of the instant weight-loss and skin perfection. The hair extensions are a nice touch as well. Doubleplusgood on the removal of the spectacles. Compare the two pictures, and you could be forgiven for thinking that these women are sisters instead of the same person. Of particular angst to me is that the creator/poster of this video had so many requests for same that she posted links to tutorials showing aspiring digital artists how to accomplish these same tricks and pointed out where the eyelash brush can be downloaded. Instead of outrage, worship? Kill me.
In the next post we move further into why and how the cultural programming of impossible beauty standards works and the effects of same.
~Riot.Jane
Critiquing "Feminist" Marketing (Part 1)
The messages inherent in the ads that speak to women have changed over the years. While we do still have plenty of housewifely cleaning product ads, recent years have seen more modern interpretations of the female experience. Some have been spectacular, but others could use some help.
Let's start with Verizon's current "Rule the Air" ad:
What bothers me about this ad is the overall impression that Verizon is trying to ride the Third-Wave Feminist train to Shangri-La. Every young female in this ad is picture-perfect, and all but one has long dark hair. These girls all look the same, and they're from/in wealthy environments with the world at their feet. Platitudes abound, and the weight of thousands of years of Western culture is absent. The only two females of color are the ones who speak about "prejudice" and whether or not she is "white," and that bothers me.
Classism is ignored for sexism, and in this world simply having an above-average IQ and a Verizon cell will allow you to shirk the bonds of femininity. As an anthropologist friend of mine said, "The air is free as long as you can pay for it." Verizon's motto here, "Rule the Air", is, more accurately in my mind, "Rule, my ass."
Compare the Verizon ad above to this classic Nike advertisement from the mid-'90s:
This ad has quite a bit to say, and it effectively says it. Girls are important, and girls sports are important -- just as important as boys and boys sports. At a time when challenges to, and increased enforcement of, Title IX (regarding unsubstantial or nonexistent female sports programs) were both vying for the soul of the nation, this ad was instrumental in changing public sentiment. Even if you didn't buy these shoes, the message stayed with you and helped change our culture. While a friend of mine has argued that Nike has since lost whatever soul it once had, this video was, in its time, a paragon of social conscience.
In the next post we move from substantive social commentary in media marketing to the programming of impossible beauty ideals.
~Riot.Jane
Let's start with Verizon's current "Rule the Air" ad:
What bothers me about this ad is the overall impression that Verizon is trying to ride the Third-Wave Feminist train to Shangri-La. Every young female in this ad is picture-perfect, and all but one has long dark hair. These girls all look the same, and they're from/in wealthy environments with the world at their feet. Platitudes abound, and the weight of thousands of years of Western culture is absent. The only two females of color are the ones who speak about "prejudice" and whether or not she is "white," and that bothers me.
Classism is ignored for sexism, and in this world simply having an above-average IQ and a Verizon cell will allow you to shirk the bonds of femininity. As an anthropologist friend of mine said, "The air is free as long as you can pay for it." Verizon's motto here, "Rule the Air", is, more accurately in my mind, "Rule, my ass."
Compare the Verizon ad above to this classic Nike advertisement from the mid-'90s:
This ad has quite a bit to say, and it effectively says it. Girls are important, and girls sports are important -- just as important as boys and boys sports. At a time when challenges to, and increased enforcement of, Title IX (regarding unsubstantial or nonexistent female sports programs) were both vying for the soul of the nation, this ad was instrumental in changing public sentiment. Even if you didn't buy these shoes, the message stayed with you and helped change our culture. While a friend of mine has argued that Nike has since lost whatever soul it once had, this video was, in its time, a paragon of social conscience.
In the next post we move from substantive social commentary in media marketing to the programming of impossible beauty ideals.
~Riot.Jane
Respecting the Memory of "Us"
When I was younger, the nights were worse than the days. When I tried to quiet my roiling brain, thoughts of the missing man I loved would poke their snouts into the swirling river of thought commanding my brain. Every bit of hard-fought calm met an equal measure of pain.
Long into the night, I would lie on my side in my bed, knees pulled to my chest, arms wrapped around my knees, unable to breathe except in gasps, tears sliding down my face occasionally, sometimes so late into the night that I would have to call into work sick the next day.
Now it's the mornings that kill me. Not even coherent yet, the presence of his absence rings in my mind afresh. Another small death, another tolling of the bells. The throbbing of the bells, the sobbing of the bells in unhappy Runic rhyme. The rolling of the bells, the tolling of the bells keeping shrieking time for my broken heart.
I can't help but know throughought my being that I need not ask for whom these bells toll . . . They toll in respect for our memory.
~Riot.Jane
(apologies to John Donne and Edgar Allen Poe)
Long into the night, I would lie on my side in my bed, knees pulled to my chest, arms wrapped around my knees, unable to breathe except in gasps, tears sliding down my face occasionally, sometimes so late into the night that I would have to call into work sick the next day. Now it's the mornings that kill me. Not even coherent yet, the presence of his absence rings in my mind afresh. Another small death, another tolling of the bells. The throbbing of the bells, the sobbing of the bells in unhappy Runic rhyme. The rolling of the bells, the tolling of the bells keeping shrieking time for my broken heart.
I can't help but know throughought my being that I need not ask for whom these bells toll . . . They toll in respect for our memory.
~Riot.Jane
(apologies to John Donne and Edgar Allen Poe)
How to Date a Women’s Studies Major: Just Don’t
Brittany Hunt @ The Miscellany News has posted a hilarious piece, How to Date a Women’s Studies Major: Just Don’t, about the pitfalls of dating radfems. While I don't necessarily agree with with everything in the piece, the serious points she makes about stereotypes and the men who are afraid of (or are intimidated by) radfems bear consideration by those of us who consider themselves feminist. Make no mistake: Hunt is talking about radfems in her piece, not your garden variety (and much more common!) feminist.
While Hunt's piece does bear reading, I'd like to seriously address her bullet points here in my own feminist voice:
Remember: She's a Lesbian Until Proven Otherwise
How do I describe how infuriating it is to have people hate me due to a figment their own imagination? Seriously, people -- If you're going to dislike me, do it because I'm boisterous, loud, outspoken, aggressive, obstreperous, direct, brutally honest, suck with interpersonal politics, have a potty mouth, demand equal treatment, or any one of a number of other characteristics I actually posses in abundance.
If you're so full of hatred and self-loathing that you can't see past your own insecurities and guess as to what gender sex partner I prefer, then redeem yourself a bit by waiting until you actually experience something about me before hating me, okay?
But if She Isn't, She's a Total Slut
Your expectations of when or if I'm going to have sex with you has very little to do with my politics or your financial worth. My sexual activity has much more to do with my hormonal cycle, how charming you are, and whether or not I'm emotionally involved with someone else. The slightest whiff of expectation from you transforms my vulva into the Antarctic -- Dry to the touch, cold, and most uninviting. Whether or not I love the cock in general has little to do with whether or not I'm going to love your cock.
Speaking of male sexual expectations regarding feminists . . . No, we're not all on The Pill. No, we don't all love having abortions. No, we're not all superfreaks in the sack. No, we're not all VD-free. No, we're not all into rampant promiscuity. Some of us can't use hormonal birth control, some of us are intensely anti-abortion, some of us only like Missionary-only sex, some of us are just as irresponsible as some of you are when it comes to safe sex, and some of us are actually fairly chaste.
Deal with it, and stop assuming things that are going to get you slapped, sued for child support, or a venereal disease while you stand there whining, "But she was a feminist!"
Don't Hold the Door for Her
I can't tell you how many times I have an exchange like this with a male stranger:
Holding a door is no different that "Excuse me," or "Please pass the salt," so . . .
Yes, talk about your emotions but don't go overboard. I am a proud human, and a feminist, and as a result I'm generally not going to be a whiny or over-emotional type. There's a huge difference between bitching about an encounter at the office that pissed you off, explaining why it pissed you off while you're trying to work through it and whining like an impotent victim and moping for a week.
If you're more emotional than I am, if you're more "sensitive" that I am, I'm not going to be impressed. Everyone has moments of weakness and struggle, but if it's overboard and if it's a pattern, I'm probably going to toss you like an old pair of shoes.
Check it -- I am a strong person, and I keep strong people around me because I don't have time or patience for anything else.
Congrats! You've Made it to Your One-Year Anniversary -- Things NOT to Buy Her as a Gift
Unless you're replacing items I already own that are broken, that I've run out of, or it's a gift card from a store you already know I love to shop, beauty products and kitchen products are right out. If you haven't figured out by the 1-year mark what I like and/or what I need, and you're not creative enough to come up with something on your own, then you really ought to re-evaluate your own observational skills while you're e-mailing my best friend to ask her advice.
~Riot.Jane
While Hunt's piece does bear reading, I'd like to seriously address her bullet points here in my own feminist voice:
Remember: She's a Lesbian Until Proven Otherwise
How do I describe how infuriating it is to have people hate me due to a figment their own imagination? Seriously, people -- If you're going to dislike me, do it because I'm boisterous, loud, outspoken, aggressive, obstreperous, direct, brutally honest, suck with interpersonal politics, have a potty mouth, demand equal treatment, or any one of a number of other characteristics I actually posses in abundance.
If you're so full of hatred and self-loathing that you can't see past your own insecurities and guess as to what gender sex partner I prefer, then redeem yourself a bit by waiting until you actually experience something about me before hating me, okay?
But if She Isn't, She's a Total Slut
Your expectations of when or if I'm going to have sex with you has very little to do with my politics or your financial worth. My sexual activity has much more to do with my hormonal cycle, how charming you are, and whether or not I'm emotionally involved with someone else. The slightest whiff of expectation from you transforms my vulva into the Antarctic -- Dry to the touch, cold, and most uninviting. Whether or not I love the cock in general has little to do with whether or not I'm going to love your cock.
Speaking of male sexual expectations regarding feminists . . . No, we're not all on The Pill. No, we don't all love having abortions. No, we're not all superfreaks in the sack. No, we're not all VD-free. No, we're not all into rampant promiscuity. Some of us can't use hormonal birth control, some of us are intensely anti-abortion, some of us only like Missionary-only sex, some of us are just as irresponsible as some of you are when it comes to safe sex, and some of us are actually fairly chaste.
Deal with it, and stop assuming things that are going to get you slapped, sued for child support, or a venereal disease while you stand there whining, "But she was a feminist!"
Don't Hold the Door for Her
I can't tell you how many times I have an exchange like this with a male stranger:
Man: Holds door open and allows me to pass through ahead of himI never cease to be amazed that holding a door is considered by anyone to be anything except common courtesy. I hold doors for people all the time . . . The elderly, the young, the infirm, people carrying things, etc. Sometimes I hold it open behind me, sometimes I hold it open in front of me to let them pass. All of it depends upon my mood, the situation, and my level of observance.
Me: Why thank you, kind sir. I appreciate that!
Man: Relieved look.
Man: I'm really glad! I never know when I'm going to get yelled at for that!
Holding a door is no different that "Excuse me," or "Please pass the salt," so . . .
Men: Keep holding doors when you want to do so! Most people appreciate it.Talk About Your Emotions
Women: Get over yourselves! You are not advancing the cause by yelling at strangers in public for extending common courtesy.
Yes, talk about your emotions but don't go overboard. I am a proud human, and a feminist, and as a result I'm generally not going to be a whiny or over-emotional type. There's a huge difference between bitching about an encounter at the office that pissed you off, explaining why it pissed you off while you're trying to work through it and whining like an impotent victim and moping for a week.
If you're more emotional than I am, if you're more "sensitive" that I am, I'm not going to be impressed. Everyone has moments of weakness and struggle, but if it's overboard and if it's a pattern, I'm probably going to toss you like an old pair of shoes.
Check it -- I am a strong person, and I keep strong people around me because I don't have time or patience for anything else.
Congrats! You've Made it to Your One-Year Anniversary -- Things NOT to Buy Her as a Gift
Unless you're replacing items I already own that are broken, that I've run out of, or it's a gift card from a store you already know I love to shop, beauty products and kitchen products are right out. If you haven't figured out by the 1-year mark what I like and/or what I need, and you're not creative enough to come up with something on your own, then you really ought to re-evaluate your own observational skills while you're e-mailing my best friend to ask her advice.
Hints for the BEST Anniversary Gifts:I hope that my effort to supplement Hunt's humorous piece with serious points has been educational. I invite our Janes and Joes to comment about dating feminists and radfems.
If I read, books are a hit if you've taken 10 minutes to look at my bookcase or paid any attention whatsoever to what I talk about. Take your ass to a locally-owned bookstore and talk to a clerk if you're at a loss.
If I'm a science nerd, science museum trips are a winner because it's an experience with you
Receiving flowers at the office is a total win because I get lots of attention from my co-workers. This gives me a chance to bask in the limelight and talk you up with everyone else being jealous! Whatever happens, don't have them delivered on the last day of my workweek -- Send them early if you have to, because wilted Monday flowers are simply sad.
Stay away from topics you don't know -or- consult with a knowledgeable person early. The book item I already talked about? Do this with fashion accessories or technical gadgets or anything else that you're not into but I am. If you don't, you'll look incompetent at best and uncaring at worst. This is why men and women squabble after gift-giving: The appearance of not putting enough thought or effort into the gift that it makes some kind of sense.
Be sure that any object you choose (if you choose an object) is fully, 100% returnable/refundable. At least if you mess up, the two of you can make an afternoon of exchanging/refunding it for a more suitable item. This afternoon can be, if planned properly, a second anniversary celebration. If you pay attention, you can turn a fail into a win!
~Riot.Jane
Girl Dies by Suicide After Rape-Allegation-Related Terror
A fourteen-year-old Michigan girl died by suicide November 8 after schoolmates bullied her due to a rape allegation involving her and an 18-year-old schoolmate.
The only things that are truly clear at this point are:
Tarnopolski says he feels "a little bit" bad about Kelly's suicide but that her parents are responsible, not him. Justice says that she encouraged her daughter to speak to the police about the incident to prevent emotional suffering caused by bottling up a rape.
Tarnopolski says that he's not the one who disregarded a confidentiality agreement he and Kelly were going to sign that would kept the event quiet, protecting them both. I can't find a reference to Justice acknowleding a confidentiality agreemnet was arranged.
Justice does say she and her daughter approached the media because Kelly was being terrorized by neighbors and classmates and they couldn't get help anywhere else. Tarnopolski said he was unaware of any maltreatment until after the news broadcast, but that even afterwards neither he nor his friends terrorized Kelly.
Justice's reaction to the Wayne County Prosecutor's Office dropping the case against Tarnopolski, from a local news broadcast:
Another report from a local news outlet, this one includes a brief interview with Tarnopolski:
A local news outlet's longer interview with Tarnopolski and his attorney:
Even though I've had a first-hand taste of the battle Kelly was fighting (topic for another post) . . . After reading the articles linked at the end of this post and after watching the videos above -- especially the interview with Tarnopolski and his attorney -- I was almost, almost, just this close to giving Tarnopolski the benefit of the doubt, extremely poor judgement and suicide girl notwithstanding.
Then I found out that another, similar, criminal complaint involving another underaged girl was filed against Tarnopolski two days after Justice and Kelly were interviewed by a local news station about the harrassment.
Think about that for a minute: Two days after a victim publizes the unimaginable level of harrassment that would soon drive her to suicide, another underaged girl comes forward to say something to the effect of "I, too, was raped by Joseph Tarnopolski"?
Local police have referred the second case to the Wayne County Prosecutor's Office which isn't releasing any information except they're processing it. Tarnopolski has since withdrawn from school due to threatening e-mails that have left his family afraid to leave their home.
To think I was ready to give this speaking filth the benefit of the doubt! This piece of gangrenous humanity is only 18, and it's already clear that he's a victimizer, a predator.
Here's where I'm reduced to a lesser person than I aspire to be most days, but so be it . . . I am glad that his tormentors have caused him to leave school. I am fucking overjoyed that his family is afraid to leave their home. Honestly, I hope that, after he is imprisoned, they have to move a thousand miles away and change their family name to escape what he's done. Justice has a dead daughter, so the Tarnopolski's would still be better off.
I desperately hope the other girl can find the strength within herself to stand proud, and to say it loud, that "I, too, was raped by Joseph Tarnopolski!"
A memorial to Kelly, created by a friend:
Additional sources used as background for this post:
The only things that are truly clear at this point are:
- Samantha Kelly, 14, had sex with Joseph Tarnopolski, 18, at his home on September 26.
- June Justice, Kelly's mother, filed a criminal complaint with the local police department.
- Local police interviewed both Kelly and Tarnopolski.
- Kelly's statements changed over time - at one point she said she was a willing participant, at another she said she was coerced.
- The police arrested Tarnopolski for third-degree criminal sexual conduct (regardless of Kelly's mindset, she was too young to legally consent), then released him on bail.
- Tarnopolski then Tweeted to his classmates that "All girls are, are liars and backstabbers! I hate you all. Way to ruin my life. Seriously, now this will be on my record for life!"
- Neighbors and students divided themselves along pro-Kelly and pro-Tarnopolski lines and the latter faction terrorized Kelly.
- Justice and Kelly approached the media to protest/publicise Kelly's maltreatment by schoolmates and neighbors. During this interview, Kelly's face was obscured but Justice's was not.
- Kelly's maltreatment intensified.
- Kelly scrawled a note on her bedroom wall, the date of the of the sexual event, then hung herself in her family's mobile home on November 8.
Tarnopolski says he feels "a little bit" bad about Kelly's suicide but that her parents are responsible, not him. Justice says that she encouraged her daughter to speak to the police about the incident to prevent emotional suffering caused by bottling up a rape.
Tarnopolski says that he's not the one who disregarded a confidentiality agreement he and Kelly were going to sign that would kept the event quiet, protecting them both. I can't find a reference to Justice acknowleding a confidentiality agreemnet was arranged.
Justice does say she and her daughter approached the media because Kelly was being terrorized by neighbors and classmates and they couldn't get help anywhere else. Tarnopolski said he was unaware of any maltreatment until after the news broadcast, but that even afterwards neither he nor his friends terrorized Kelly.
Justice's reaction to the Wayne County Prosecutor's Office dropping the case against Tarnopolski, from a local news broadcast:
Another report from a local news outlet, this one includes a brief interview with Tarnopolski:
A local news outlet's longer interview with Tarnopolski and his attorney:
Even though I've had a first-hand taste of the battle Kelly was fighting (topic for another post) . . . After reading the articles linked at the end of this post and after watching the videos above -- especially the interview with Tarnopolski and his attorney -- I was almost, almost, just this close to giving Tarnopolski the benefit of the doubt, extremely poor judgement and suicide girl notwithstanding.
Then I found out that another, similar, criminal complaint involving another underaged girl was filed against Tarnopolski two days after Justice and Kelly were interviewed by a local news station about the harrassment.
Think about that for a minute: Two days after a victim publizes the unimaginable level of harrassment that would soon drive her to suicide, another underaged girl comes forward to say something to the effect of "I, too, was raped by Joseph Tarnopolski"?
Local police have referred the second case to the Wayne County Prosecutor's Office which isn't releasing any information except they're processing it. Tarnopolski has since withdrawn from school due to threatening e-mails that have left his family afraid to leave their home.
To think I was ready to give this speaking filth the benefit of the doubt! This piece of gangrenous humanity is only 18, and it's already clear that he's a victimizer, a predator.
Here's where I'm reduced to a lesser person than I aspire to be most days, but so be it . . . I am glad that his tormentors have caused him to leave school. I am fucking overjoyed that his family is afraid to leave their home. Honestly, I hope that, after he is imprisoned, they have to move a thousand miles away and change their family name to escape what he's done. Justice has a dead daughter, so the Tarnopolski's would still be better off.
I desperately hope the other girl can find the strength within herself to stand proud, and to say it loud, that "I, too, was raped by Joseph Tarnopolski!"
A memorial to Kelly, created by a friend:
Additional sources used as background for this post:
- Rape Case Dropped Following Samantha Kelly's Suicide
- Joe Tarnopolski Talks with FOX 2's Taryn Asher
- Alleged Rape Victim, 14, Taunted, Kills Self
- Rape Charge Against Huron High School Teen Dropped After Classmate's Suicide
~Riot.Jane
A Joe’s Take on Treating Child Sexual Abusers
I was a boy, and I was sexually abused in my family from the age of 11 or 12 to nearly 20. As a result, I might have a different perspective on how we should deal with abusers.
Zero tolerance, as expressed in most law, is an attempt by well-meaning legislators to capture that rarity which is the full-on pedophile. In that sense I say go for it and get those people into some kind of treatment.
The problem arises in that as disgusting as kiddy porn is, it's an after-the-fact response, sometimes years or decades after. By then it's far too late to help the child in question.
Then, of course, there's nations like Thailand who nod and wink as organized child abuse is traded on to increase tourist traffic. I don't buy for an instant that authorities in Thailand don't know who is running and controlling this appalling business or are completely unable to do anything about it. Mind you, it does draw true pedophiles as well as those who have fantasies. (And no, I don't understand what might cause those fantasies but as long as they aren't acted on I see no need to hunt those people down.)
The problem, as I said, with kiddie porn is that a response to it is after-the-fact rather than preventative.
As I said in my previous post, most abusers were abused themselves as children and come from within the circle of trusted adults and then, most often, from parents. To attack this head-on means exploding the myth of the nuclear family as some sort of perfect construction for the making and raising of children. In the United States and, to a lesser degree in Canada and Europe, this is well-ingrained and very well-defended.
Of course, there are professions that DO attract pedophiles and those who are in danger of repeating what happened to them. In no particular order they tend to be caring professions such as medicine, teaching, the clergy, therapists, police, coaching and, well, I'll let the reader complete the list. Any profession or trade that brings the pedophile in to near-constant contact with children where they can establish a trusted and trusting relationship with the child and its parents.
Each profession closes ranks around offenders, or has a history of that. The most obvious, for now, being the Roman Catholic Church. They're far from the only ones, though.
And each of these professions is surrounded by a mythology all their own, created by Hollywood or by themselves as wonderful, caring people who genuinely want to help their young charges and in the vast majority of cases they are. But amongst the angels there are devils.
So it means attacking the unattackable symbols of our society/civilization and I don't know of a single politician willing to take that one on.
Sending someone with a few pictures of child porn on their hard drive to jail for 10 years is akin to sending someone to the same jail for 10 years because they have an ounce or two of pot in their possession. In the former you aren't, in all likelihood, busting a true pedophile just as much as in the latter you haven't busted a dealer.
What abusers like my father needed and still need, and this is potential and actual abusers of both genders, is caring, non-judgmental treatment for exactly the reason I stated. They are very likely to be victims of abuse themselves and know no other way of expressing great affection. Jail isn't the place for that.
The true pedophile, on the other hand, really ought to be locked away in the same place we put psychopaths and sociopaths because they're another chip off of that self same block.
And then, we ourselves, need to look on those at the lower ends of society's rungs as what they most often are the outer grown up shell of shattered children who never, ever chose the life they now lead.
~TtfnJohn
Zero tolerance, as expressed in most law, is an attempt by well-meaning legislators to capture that rarity which is the full-on pedophile. In that sense I say go for it and get those people into some kind of treatment.
The problem arises in that as disgusting as kiddy porn is, it's an after-the-fact response, sometimes years or decades after. By then it's far too late to help the child in question.
Then, of course, there's nations like Thailand who nod and wink as organized child abuse is traded on to increase tourist traffic. I don't buy for an instant that authorities in Thailand don't know who is running and controlling this appalling business or are completely unable to do anything about it. Mind you, it does draw true pedophiles as well as those who have fantasies. (And no, I don't understand what might cause those fantasies but as long as they aren't acted on I see no need to hunt those people down.)
The problem, as I said, with kiddie porn is that a response to it is after-the-fact rather than preventative.
As I said in my previous post, most abusers were abused themselves as children and come from within the circle of trusted adults and then, most often, from parents. To attack this head-on means exploding the myth of the nuclear family as some sort of perfect construction for the making and raising of children. In the United States and, to a lesser degree in Canada and Europe, this is well-ingrained and very well-defended.
Of course, there are professions that DO attract pedophiles and those who are in danger of repeating what happened to them. In no particular order they tend to be caring professions such as medicine, teaching, the clergy, therapists, police, coaching and, well, I'll let the reader complete the list. Any profession or trade that brings the pedophile in to near-constant contact with children where they can establish a trusted and trusting relationship with the child and its parents.
Each profession closes ranks around offenders, or has a history of that. The most obvious, for now, being the Roman Catholic Church. They're far from the only ones, though.
And each of these professions is surrounded by a mythology all their own, created by Hollywood or by themselves as wonderful, caring people who genuinely want to help their young charges and in the vast majority of cases they are. But amongst the angels there are devils.
So it means attacking the unattackable symbols of our society/civilization and I don't know of a single politician willing to take that one on.
Sending someone with a few pictures of child porn on their hard drive to jail for 10 years is akin to sending someone to the same jail for 10 years because they have an ounce or two of pot in their possession. In the former you aren't, in all likelihood, busting a true pedophile just as much as in the latter you haven't busted a dealer.
What abusers like my father needed and still need, and this is potential and actual abusers of both genders, is caring, non-judgmental treatment for exactly the reason I stated. They are very likely to be victims of abuse themselves and know no other way of expressing great affection. Jail isn't the place for that.
The true pedophile, on the other hand, really ought to be locked away in the same place we put psychopaths and sociopaths because they're another chip off of that self same block.
And then, we ourselves, need to look on those at the lower ends of society's rungs as what they most often are the outer grown up shell of shattered children who never, ever chose the life they now lead.
~TtfnJohn
A Joe’s Child Sexual Abuse Story
Children cannot protect themselves from sexual abuse, and civil liability won’t heal them. How do I know?
I was a boy, and I was sexually abused in my family from the age of 11 or 12 to nearly 20. As this began, in-family, in the 1960s, who was I supposed to tell even in the faint hope I'd be believed? There was no faint hope of belief in those days.
“Stranger abuse” is rare in the extreme for most of those of us who survived childhood sexual abuse, and to us it’s actually an interesting word for the occurrence. It's nearly always a known and trusted (even loved) adult rather than a total stranger, so right then and there the option, to the child, of screaming, yelling, and making a scene is pretty much erased.
Dammit, we love and trust this person! Get it? And the first approach is always in an empty house/apartment so even if that thought was to occur to a child what the hell is the point of trying?
The first response is, after the shock of it all, that we've done something awfully wrong and bad to find ourselves in this situation. Not true, of course, but this is a child’s mind we're dealing with, as I was, so this adult must be punishing us for something we've done.
After that, not too surprisingly comes the overwhelming shame.
As the abuse is repeated, we become convinced that our value, little as it is, is defined by the sex act and little else. The hell we live in makes any other assumption all but impossible.
Some people believe that children are capable of protecting themselves from undesired sexual activity with adults. I'm not at all surprised when I see/hear this because that's the excuse used to excuse this abuse and almost always has been. The thing that saddens me is that people actually seem to believe it. I'd hoped and prayed we, as a culture, were beyond that.
People who believe that children can protect themselves from sexual abuse need to understand how broken we are from that first encounter until we are, should we be lucky and incredibly fortunate, able to come to terms with what happened, with the reality that we did nothing to bring this on and cause it, and that we are people with value for things other than the sex act.
I said understand because others will never know the life we lead after this has happened or the self-blaming, self-accusing, self-loathing world we find ourselves in.
Most of us don't survive long as adults, which may please some as both male and female victims are the vast majority of prostitutes out there. And no, I don't mean high priced call girl types, but street types. The ones you drive by and scowl at and write nasty letters about. If we're men we're often the street hooker's customers.
We're a significant portion of alcoholics and addicts out there self-medicating just to feel "normal". Of course, we have no idea what normal is but we reach for it anyway.
Some of us grow up to be fairly functional in society¸ at least from the outside. We don't behave well and we can't form stable relationships, but we function. Some of us are very successful if you measure success by money and possessions.
Should we form a bond, we then find ourselves back in a family situation again, swearing to God that we won't pass on what happened to us. Until . . . until . . . The day we do. Because we were taught the only way to express the deepest of love is in the sex act and nothing else by the parent or trusted adult that started us down this road taught us anything else.
Not that all of you will believe this, nor do I much care if you do. I'm relating first-hand experience as a victim and survivor just by the miracle of living as long as I have.
I'm 57 and research indicates that most of us die, by our own hands or the hands of others, by our late 20s or early 30s.
I'm incredibly fortunate. I started to deal with this around people that, even though they didn't understand, walked through it with me and didn't judge me. Even in the 1980s when it was felt that this sort of thing NEVER happened to boys.
I know better now, though it hasn't been easy. Recovering from alcoholism and then met face to face with this again. The 12 steps were invaluable as were members of the program. Two women were invaluable to me, the associate priest at my church and the priest in training there.
Two others have been almost as invaluable. One, the first real bond as an equal and well beyond merely the sexual aspect of a relationship taught me that breaking up isn't the end of the world or a reason to go into mourning but a reason to celebrate that relationship and the time we had together. The other is my partner who forbids me from taking myself too seriously and helps me see the value and joy found in a simple snuggle.
The therapeutic "community" has, for the most part, been more an impediment than it has been a help. There are a number of reasons for that but while they've been largely kind and supportive they've also been largely useless to me. For the most part they still are.
If I knew someone had picture of me taken during the abuse and wouldn't get rid of it, I'm not sure if I'd be angry or sad but for a small period of time I'd feel victimized all over again. If I won a lawsuit about said picture? I also know, deep in my being, that if someone had showered me in money I'd be dead by now. Probably from over drinking or a drug overdose. It really is that simple. I wasn't ready for it. I'm not sure I really am now.
It's not that I want to forget it happened, it's that last thing I want to forget. It's formed such a major part of my life, for better and for worse that it's in my cells. A part of my being.
That's why I question the nascent movement to provide civil liability for these sorts of things. It strikes me that some feel that money is sufficient recompense for a life destroyed and may inhibit a life rebuilt. Sadly, that is far too often the result of one of us suddenly having a boxcar full of cash.
I may sound emotional at times, but I know no other way of dealing with this than emotionally. Humans are emotional creatures not logical ones. Pretending to be logical and rational at all times almost killed me. Justice can and ought to have an emotional edge to it as long as it doesn't degenerate in to revenge.
Next time anyone passes a hooker on the street remember that is someone's daughter or son. They no more chose that life that I chose my alcoholism or chose what happened to me. They just weren't lucky enough to find a way to be functional in life as I've been.
My abuser?
My father. Who was abused by his favorite uncle, who was abused by his father, who was abused by his mother and so it goes deep into the family tree. As does alcoholism.
And I don't hate any of them any longer any more that I hate alcohol, though I fear it.
As far as I'm able to, I've forgiven my now deceased father. Maybe he's finally found the peace he never knew in life.
That doesn't change the damage he did to me, it doesn't excuse it, but it somewhat explains it.
Over-legalizing such things accomplishes nothing but turning us back into helpless pawns in someone else's game yet again.
There's no amount of money in the world that can give one of us our childhood back again.
All we can do is build on the shattered remains, and claim our birthright of a healthy and happy adult life where we can love and accept ourselves for who and what we are as whole persons, flaws, warts and all.
There isn't a court judgment in the world that can give that to us.
I wish that people stopped pretending there is.
~TtfnJohn
I was a boy, and I was sexually abused in my family from the age of 11 or 12 to nearly 20. As this began, in-family, in the 1960s, who was I supposed to tell even in the faint hope I'd be believed? There was no faint hope of belief in those days.
“Stranger abuse” is rare in the extreme for most of those of us who survived childhood sexual abuse, and to us it’s actually an interesting word for the occurrence. It's nearly always a known and trusted (even loved) adult rather than a total stranger, so right then and there the option, to the child, of screaming, yelling, and making a scene is pretty much erased.
Dammit, we love and trust this person! Get it? And the first approach is always in an empty house/apartment so even if that thought was to occur to a child what the hell is the point of trying?
The first response is, after the shock of it all, that we've done something awfully wrong and bad to find ourselves in this situation. Not true, of course, but this is a child’s mind we're dealing with, as I was, so this adult must be punishing us for something we've done.
After that, not too surprisingly comes the overwhelming shame.
As the abuse is repeated, we become convinced that our value, little as it is, is defined by the sex act and little else. The hell we live in makes any other assumption all but impossible.
Some people believe that children are capable of protecting themselves from undesired sexual activity with adults. I'm not at all surprised when I see/hear this because that's the excuse used to excuse this abuse and almost always has been. The thing that saddens me is that people actually seem to believe it. I'd hoped and prayed we, as a culture, were beyond that.
People who believe that children can protect themselves from sexual abuse need to understand how broken we are from that first encounter until we are, should we be lucky and incredibly fortunate, able to come to terms with what happened, with the reality that we did nothing to bring this on and cause it, and that we are people with value for things other than the sex act.
I said understand because others will never know the life we lead after this has happened or the self-blaming, self-accusing, self-loathing world we find ourselves in.
Most of us don't survive long as adults, which may please some as both male and female victims are the vast majority of prostitutes out there. And no, I don't mean high priced call girl types, but street types. The ones you drive by and scowl at and write nasty letters about. If we're men we're often the street hooker's customers.
We're a significant portion of alcoholics and addicts out there self-medicating just to feel "normal". Of course, we have no idea what normal is but we reach for it anyway.
Some of us grow up to be fairly functional in society¸ at least from the outside. We don't behave well and we can't form stable relationships, but we function. Some of us are very successful if you measure success by money and possessions.
Should we form a bond, we then find ourselves back in a family situation again, swearing to God that we won't pass on what happened to us. Until . . . until . . . The day we do. Because we were taught the only way to express the deepest of love is in the sex act and nothing else by the parent or trusted adult that started us down this road taught us anything else.
Not that all of you will believe this, nor do I much care if you do. I'm relating first-hand experience as a victim and survivor just by the miracle of living as long as I have.
I'm 57 and research indicates that most of us die, by our own hands or the hands of others, by our late 20s or early 30s.
I'm incredibly fortunate. I started to deal with this around people that, even though they didn't understand, walked through it with me and didn't judge me. Even in the 1980s when it was felt that this sort of thing NEVER happened to boys.
I know better now, though it hasn't been easy. Recovering from alcoholism and then met face to face with this again. The 12 steps were invaluable as were members of the program. Two women were invaluable to me, the associate priest at my church and the priest in training there.
Two others have been almost as invaluable. One, the first real bond as an equal and well beyond merely the sexual aspect of a relationship taught me that breaking up isn't the end of the world or a reason to go into mourning but a reason to celebrate that relationship and the time we had together. The other is my partner who forbids me from taking myself too seriously and helps me see the value and joy found in a simple snuggle.
The therapeutic "community" has, for the most part, been more an impediment than it has been a help. There are a number of reasons for that but while they've been largely kind and supportive they've also been largely useless to me. For the most part they still are.
If I knew someone had picture of me taken during the abuse and wouldn't get rid of it, I'm not sure if I'd be angry or sad but for a small period of time I'd feel victimized all over again. If I won a lawsuit about said picture? I also know, deep in my being, that if someone had showered me in money I'd be dead by now. Probably from over drinking or a drug overdose. It really is that simple. I wasn't ready for it. I'm not sure I really am now.
It's not that I want to forget it happened, it's that last thing I want to forget. It's formed such a major part of my life, for better and for worse that it's in my cells. A part of my being.
That's why I question the nascent movement to provide civil liability for these sorts of things. It strikes me that some feel that money is sufficient recompense for a life destroyed and may inhibit a life rebuilt. Sadly, that is far too often the result of one of us suddenly having a boxcar full of cash.
I may sound emotional at times, but I know no other way of dealing with this than emotionally. Humans are emotional creatures not logical ones. Pretending to be logical and rational at all times almost killed me. Justice can and ought to have an emotional edge to it as long as it doesn't degenerate in to revenge.
Next time anyone passes a hooker on the street remember that is someone's daughter or son. They no more chose that life that I chose my alcoholism or chose what happened to me. They just weren't lucky enough to find a way to be functional in life as I've been.
My abuser?
My father. Who was abused by his favorite uncle, who was abused by his father, who was abused by his mother and so it goes deep into the family tree. As does alcoholism.
And I don't hate any of them any longer any more that I hate alcohol, though I fear it.
As far as I'm able to, I've forgiven my now deceased father. Maybe he's finally found the peace he never knew in life.
That doesn't change the damage he did to me, it doesn't excuse it, but it somewhat explains it.
Over-legalizing such things accomplishes nothing but turning us back into helpless pawns in someone else's game yet again.
There's no amount of money in the world that can give one of us our childhood back again.
All we can do is build on the shattered remains, and claim our birthright of a healthy and happy adult life where we can love and accept ourselves for who and what we are as whole persons, flaws, warts and all.
There isn't a court judgment in the world that can give that to us.
I wish that people stopped pretending there is.
~TtfnJohn
Requesting Feedback on Logo Ideas
Greetings this fine day, dear Janes and Joes!
We've been playing with logos and branding ideas for quite a while, but actual designers are outside of our budget. We have come up with the below on our own and are asking you for feedback.
Does either of these logos say "Jane" to you? Do you like them? Why or why not? Please be as specific as you can. We'd like to incorporate your feedback because, after all, this blog is for you, dear reader.
We've been playing with logos and branding ideas for quite a while, but actual designers are outside of our budget. We have come up with the below on our own and are asking you for feedback.
Does either of these logos say "Jane" to you? Do you like them? Why or why not? Please be as specific as you can. We'd like to incorporate your feedback because, after all, this blog is for you, dear reader.
Yes, there's a bit of a green orb thing going on here. We have our reasons for that. Please, comment away!
~Admin.Jane
You're Good for Me
Quarter past 9am and working hard when I receive a text from my girlfriend Angela —“I miss u bad.” I respond, “Me too, blue eyes.”
Later, I find myself looking at pictures of her on my Blackberry. As I scroll from one picture to another, with the earphones in my ears playing our song “You’re Good For Me,” I feel it! There it goes again!! A tingle here, a tingle there, and soon it becomes a repeated pattern occurring from my heart to my soul.
Each picture I scrolled, I smiled, and with every smile I felt her inside me… After I finished looking at all the pictures, I text her:
Each day that goes by, my love for you grows
heavier and intoxicating…when I see your picture,
it makes me want to be with you more and when I hear
your voice it tickles my heart. Oh my love, you’re good for me.
Song Lyrics: “Good For Me”
To be with you is easy
I know you’re good for me
This feeling inside me
Oh it sends me sky high
To feel for you is easy
Oh baby…
I know you’re good for me
This feeling inside me
Oh it sends me sky high
You’re good for me, my baby
So good for me, my love
You’re good for me, my baby
So good for me, oh love
~Anonymous
Later, I find myself looking at pictures of her on my Blackberry. As I scroll from one picture to another, with the earphones in my ears playing our song “You’re Good For Me,” I feel it! There it goes again!! A tingle here, a tingle there, and soon it becomes a repeated pattern occurring from my heart to my soul.
Each picture I scrolled, I smiled, and with every smile I felt her inside me… After I finished looking at all the pictures, I text her:
Each day that goes by, my love for you grows
heavier and intoxicating…when I see your picture,
it makes me want to be with you more and when I hear
your voice it tickles my heart. Oh my love, you’re good for me.
Song Lyrics: “Good For Me”
To be with you is easy
I know you’re good for me
This feeling inside me
Oh it sends me sky high
To feel for you is easy
Oh baby…
I know you’re good for me
This feeling inside me
Oh it sends me sky high
You’re good for me, my baby
So good for me, my love
You’re good for me, my baby
So good for me, oh love
~Anonymous
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