My Hands

when i look my Praying Hands i see
i see The G-d that has bent my knee
i see The Way, The Truth and The Light
when I use my Praying Hands

when i look at my Praising Hands i see
i see the miracle of being me
i see The Way, The Truth, and The Light
when i use my Praising Hands

when i look at my Helping Hands I see
i see the Christ that has died for me
i see The Way, The Truth and The Light
when i use my Helping Hands

What Happens When Your Sexual Abusers are Other Children?

Being the only third grader in the school with a C-cup bra was traumatic.  The trauma began slowly.  Eventually it broke me.

The violence began when I first began to wear a bra at the age of 9, and it ended then with verbal teasing.  As my cup size grew by leaps and bounds, the violence escalated in direct proportion.

The other students progressed from occasional gentle bra snapping (1" away) to constant painful bra snapping (as many inches as possible).  Much like a towel snapped at your butt in a locker room, successive pops are geometrically more painful.  I'd be in tears from the pain at least once each school day.

*I* Was "The Other Woman"

For almost two years, I was "The Other Woman."  The man was divine in my eyes.  The wife was a crazy person, and theirs was a loveless marriage.  He stayed married to her because, where he came from, divorced fathers weren't fathers, and come hell or high water, he was going to be a good father. Even if that meant staying in a marriage where neither person had a single word to say to one another outside of "Excuse me" or "Did you pay the electricity bill?"

We began as friends, and I didn't even know he was married until after I was hooked -- He didn't wear a ring, and spoke only of his children (i.e. not his wife, ever), so I assumed that there simply wasn't a wife.  It wasn't until a third party told me that he was married that the concept crossed my mind.  I didn't believe it, but  I asked him anyway.

The look of surprise on his face told me in that instant that he assumed I knew.  By that time it was too late . . . Even after the hours of talking that followed, in which he told me the details of his loveless marriage, I couldn't walk away knowing that he wanted me to stay.

In hindsight, I don't think he'd ever fallen in love before he fell in love with me.  A confident and self-sufficient person, he didn't understand what loneliness was until he was separated from me while on a trip.  Our affair was inflammatory, and our conviction epic.

Critiquing "Feminist" Marketing (Part 3)

In the previous posts Critiquing "Feminist" Marketing (Part 1) and Critiquing "Feminist" Marketing (Part 2), we discussed changes in and repercussions of mass media's co-opt of the "feminist" message, and we examined the overt versus subliminal concepts inherent in each.  Now we move into the realm of why these subliminal messages find fertile ground within our minds.

Our eyes are our windows to the world.  They're what helps our unconscious determine what is real and what is not.  They show us our tribe, connect us to the people we love, respect, and hate, and they help us find our place within that social order.  Now that we've moved beyond 100-person villages -- Who is our tribe, and how do we know them?

We now have virtual tribes composed of real, physical humans and the virtual people that mass media brings within our personal sphere.  We see the same newscasters every morning and every night, we see and hear the same television and radio hosts over and over, and we are bombarded by model hawkers constantly.  At a certain point, our brains begin to subliminally incorporate these people into our tribe.

Critiquing "Feminist" Marketing (Part 2)

In the previous post Critiquing "Feminist" Marketing (Part 1), we compared the messages between a current Verizon ad and a Nike ad from the mid-'90s.  While the overt messages inherent in ads that speak to women have changed over the years, so have the subliminal ones. Recent years have brought us more modern interpretations of the female experience, including its lice-ridden underbelly.

In the mid '00s, Dove began the "Campaign for Real Beauty".  Early in the campaign, the FCC banned this "Pro-Age" ad because it apparently didn't conform to FCC regulations:

Holey rusted door, Batgirl!  We have Victoria's Secret models parading their perfect bodies on stage, we have scantily-clad cheerleaders gyrating at every profession sporting event, and we have teen pop stars wiggling their advocation of adult sexuality to preteens, but Christ forbid that normal, older, fig-leafed women be visible on television.  Ever.

Never mind that these older women are more "covered" than said models, cheerleaders, or pop-stars, and never mind that these older women are not parading, gyrating, or wiggling.  Just know that a woman over the age of 25 who shows more than 8 square inches of exposed non-face, non-hand skin is so patently offensive to the US public that complaints provoked the FCC to use the grey areas in their guidelines to ban said ad.

What wasn't banned was the "Evolution" ad, and it's actually my favorite:

Even without the digital trickery, I'd look like a supermodel, too, if I had a team of hair and make-up professionals at my side every morning!  While digesting this ad, considering it's wider implications, I held my breath waiting to see what was next.

Supplementing the "Evolution" ad, consider another mid-'00s video in which a digital artist transforms a normal-looking woman into a glamorous goddess thanks to the wonders of Photoshop (sorry for the pop-up ad on the video, just click the [x]):

I am particularly fond of the instant weight-loss and skin perfection.  The hair extensions are a nice touch as well.  Doubleplusgood on the removal of the spectacles.  Compare the two pictures, and you could be forgiven for thinking that these women are sisters instead of the same person.  Of particular angst to me is that the creator/poster of this video had so many requests for same that she posted links to tutorials showing aspiring digital artists how to accomplish these same tricks and pointed out where the eyelash brush can be downloaded.  Instead of outrage, worship? Kill me.

In the next post we move further into why and how the cultural programming of impossible beauty standards works and the effects of same.

~Riot.Jane

Critiquing "Feminist" Marketing (Part 1)

The messages inherent in the ads that speak to women have changed over the years.  While we do still have plenty of housewifely cleaning product ads, recent years have seen more modern interpretations of the female experience. Some have been spectacular, but others could use some help.

Let's start with Verizon's current "Rule the Air" ad:

What bothers me about this ad is the overall impression that Verizon is trying to ride the Third-Wave Feminist train to Shangri-La.  Every young female in this ad is picture-perfect, and all but one has long dark hair.  These girls all look the same, and they're from/in wealthy environments with the world at their feet. Platitudes abound, and the weight of thousands of years of Western culture is absent.  The only two females of color are the ones who speak about "prejudice" and whether or not she is "white," and that bothers me.

Classism  is ignored for sexism, and in this world simply having an above-average IQ and a Verizon cell will allow you to shirk the bonds of femininity. As an anthropologist friend of mine said, "The air is free as long as you can pay for it."  Verizon's motto here, "Rule the Air", is, more accurately in my mind, "Rule, my ass."

Compare the Verizon ad above to this classic Nike advertisement from the mid-'90s:

This ad has quite a bit to say, and it effectively says it.  Girls are important, and girls sports are important -- just as important as boys and boys sports.  At a time when challenges to, and increased enforcement of, Title IX (regarding unsubstantial or nonexistent female sports programs) were both vying for the soul of the nation, this ad was instrumental in changing public sentiment.  Even if you didn't buy these shoes, the message stayed with you and helped change our culture.  While a friend of mine has argued that Nike has since lost whatever soul it once had, this video was, in its time, a paragon of social conscience.

In the next post we move from substantive social commentary in media marketing to the programming of impossible beauty ideals.

~Riot.Jane

Respecting the Memory of "Us"

When I was younger, the nights were worse than the days.  When I tried to quiet my roiling brain, thoughts of the missing man I loved would poke their snouts into the swirling river of thought commanding my brain.  Every bit of hard-fought calm met an equal measure of pain.

Long into the night,  I would lie on my side in my bed, knees pulled to my chest, arms wrapped around my knees,  unable to breathe except in gasps, tears sliding down my face occasionally, sometimes so late into the night that I would have to call into work sick the next day.

Now it's the mornings that kill me.  Not even coherent yet, the presence of his absence rings in my mind afresh.  Another small death, another tolling of the bells. The throbbing of the bells, the sobbing of the bells in unhappy Runic rhyme.  The rolling of the bells, the tolling of the bells keeping shrieking time for my broken heart.

I can't help but know throughought my being that I need not ask for whom these bells toll . . . They toll in respect for our memory.

~Riot.Jane

(apologies to John Donne and Edgar Allen Poe)

How to Date a Women’s Studies Major: Just Don’t

Brittany Hunt @ The Miscellany News has posted a hilarious piece, How to Date a Women’s Studies Major: Just Don’t, about the pitfalls of dating radfems.  While I don't necessarily agree with with everything in the piece, the serious points she makes about stereotypes and the men who are afraid of (or are intimidated by) radfems bear consideration by those of us who consider themselves feminist.  Make no mistake: Hunt is talking about radfems in her piece, not your garden variety (and much more common!) feminist.

While Hunt's piece does bear reading, I'd like to seriously address her bullet points here in my own feminist voice:

Remember: She's a Lesbian Until Proven Otherwise

How do I describe how infuriating it is to have people hate me due to a figment their own imagination? Seriously, people -- If you're going to dislike me, do it because I'm boisterous, loud, outspoken, aggressive, obstreperous, direct, brutally honest, suck with interpersonal politics, have a potty mouth, demand equal treatment, or any one of a number of other characteristics I actually posses in abundance.

If you're so full of hatred and self-loathing that you can't see past your own insecurities and guess as to what gender sex partner I prefer, then redeem yourself a bit by waiting until you actually experience something about me before hating me, okay?

But if She Isn't, She's a Total Slut 

Your expectations of when or if I'm going to have sex with you has very little to do with my politics or your financial worth.  My sexual activity has much more to do with my hormonal cycle, how charming you are, and whether or not I'm emotionally involved with someone else.  The slightest whiff of expectation from you transforms my vulva into the Antarctic -- Dry to the touch, cold, and most uninviting.  Whether or not I love the cock in general has little to do with whether or not I'm going to love your cock.

Speaking of male sexual expectations regarding feminists . . . No, we're not all on The Pill.  No, we don't all love having abortions.  No, we're not all superfreaks in the sack.  No, we're not all VD-free.  No, we're not all into rampant promiscuity.  Some of us can't use hormonal birth control, some of us are intensely anti-abortion, some of us only like Missionary-only sex, some of us are just as irresponsible as some of you are when it comes to safe sex, and some of us are actually fairly chaste.  

Deal with it, and stop assuming things that are going to get you slapped, sued for child support, or a venereal disease while you stand there whining, "But she was a feminist!"

Don't Hold the Door for Her

I can't tell you how many times I have an exchange like this with a male stranger:

Man: Holds door open and allows me to pass through ahead of him

Me: Why thank you, kind sir.  I appreciate that!

Man: Relieved look.

Man: I'm really glad!  I never know when I'm going to get yelled at for that!

I never cease to be amazed that holding a door is considered by anyone to be anything except common courtesy.  I hold doors for people all the time . . . The elderly, the young, the infirm, people carrying things, etc.  Sometimes I hold it open behind me, sometimes I hold it open in front of me to let them pass.  All of it depends upon my mood, the situation, and my level of observance. 

Holding a door is no different that "Excuse me," or "Please pass the salt," so . . .

Men: Keep holding doors when you want to do so!  Most people appreciate it.

Women: Get over yourselves!  You are not advancing the cause by yelling at strangers in public for extending common courtesy.

Talk About Your Emotions

Yes, talk about your emotions but don't go overboard.  I am a proud human, and a feminist, and as a result I'm generally not going to be a whiny or over-emotional type.  There's a huge difference between bitching about an encounter at the office that pissed you off, explaining why it pissed you off while you're trying to work through it and whining like an impotent victim and moping for a week.

If you're more emotional than I am, if you're more "sensitive" that I am, I'm not going to be impressed.  Everyone has moments of weakness and struggle, but if it's overboard and if it's a pattern, I'm probably going to toss you like an old pair of shoes. 

Check it -- I am a strong person, and I keep strong people around me because I don't have time or patience for anything else.

Congrats!  You've Made it to Your One-Year Anniversary -- Things NOT to Buy Her as a Gift

Unless you're replacing items I already own that are broken, that I've run out of, or it's a gift card from a store you already know I love to shop, beauty products and kitchen products are right out.  If you haven't figured out by the 1-year mark what I like and/or what I need, and you're not creative enough to come up with something on your own, then you really ought to re-evaluate your own observational skills while you're e-mailing my best friend to ask her advice. 

Hints for the BEST Anniversary Gifts:

If I read, books are a hit if you've taken 10 minutes to look at my bookcase or paid any attention whatsoever to what I talk about.  Take your ass to a locally-owned bookstore and talk to a clerk if you're at a loss.

If I'm a science nerd, science museum trips are a winner because it's an experience with you

Receiving flowers at the office is a total win because I get lots of attention from my co-workers.  This gives me a chance to bask in the limelight and talk you up with everyone else being jealous!  Whatever happens, don't have them delivered on the last day of my workweek -- Send them early if you have to, because wilted Monday flowers are simply sad.

Stay away from topics you don't know -or- consult with a knowledgeable person early.  The book item I already talked about?  Do this with fashion accessories or technical gadgets or anything else that you're not into but I am.  If you don't, you'll look incompetent at best and uncaring at worst.  This is why men and women squabble after gift-giving: The appearance of not putting enough thought or effort into the gift that it makes some kind of sense.

Be sure that any object you choose (if you choose an object) is fully, 100% returnable/refundable.  At least if you mess up, the two of you can make an afternoon of exchanging/refunding it for a more suitable item.  This afternoon can be, if planned properly, a second anniversary celebration.  If you pay attention, you can turn a fail into a win!

I hope that my effort to supplement Hunt's humorous piece with serious points has been educational.  I invite our Janes and Joes to comment about dating feminists and radfems.

~Riot.Jane

Girl Dies by Suicide After Rape-Allegation-Related Terror

A fourteen-year-old Michigan girl died by suicide November 8 after schoolmates bullied her due to a rape allegation involving her and an 18-year-old schoolmate.

The only things that are truly clear at this point are:

1. Samantha Kelly, 14, had sex with Joseph Tarnopolski, 18, at his home on September 26.
2. June Justice, Kelly's mother, filed a criminal complaint with the local police department.
3. Local police interviewed both Kelly and Tarnopolski.
4. Kelly's statements changed over time - at one point she said she was a willing participant, at another she said she was coerced.
5. The police arrested Tarnopolski for third-degree criminal sexual conduct (regardless of Kelly's mindset, she was too young to legally consent), then released him on bail.
6. Tarnopolski then Tweeted to his classmates that "All girls are, are liars and backstabbers! I hate you all. Way to ruin my life. Seriously, now this will be on my record for life!"
7. Neighbors and students divided themselves along pro-Kelly and pro-Tarnopolski lines and the latter faction terrorized Kelly.
8. Justice and Kelly approached the media to protest/publicise Kelly's maltreatment by schoolmates and neighbors. During this interview, Kelly's face was obscured but Justice's was not. 
9. Kelly's maltreatment intensified.
10. Kelly scrawled a note on her bedroom wall, the date of the of the sexual event, then hung herself in her family's mobile home on November 8.

Tarnopolski says that he and Kelly planned the consensual sexual encounter together and that nothing like coercion was involved.  The state of Michigan's age of consent is 16.  Kelly's mother insists her daughter was "forcibly made to have sex with an 18 year old."  The Wayne County Prosecutor's office has dropped the case against Tarnopolski because their only witness, Kelly, is dead, and they have no other evidence. 

Tarnopolski says he feels "a little bit" bad about Kelly's suicide but that her parents are responsible, not him. Justice says that she encouraged her daughter to speak to the police about the incident to prevent emotional suffering caused by bottling up a rape.

Tarnopolski says that he's not the one who disregarded a confidentiality agreement he and Kelly were going to sign that would kept the event quiet, protecting them both.  I can't find a reference to Justice acknowleding a confidentiality agreemnet was arranged. 

Justice does say she and her daughter approached the media because Kelly was being terrorized by neighbors and classmates and they couldn't get help anywhere else.  Tarnopolski said he was unaware of any maltreatment until after the news broadcast, but that even afterwards neither he nor his friends terrorized Kelly. 

Justice's reaction to the Wayne County Prosecutor's Office dropping the case against Tarnopolski, from a local news broadcast:

Another report from a local news outlet, this one includes a brief interview with Tarnopolski:

A local news outlet's longer interview with Tarnopolski and his attorney:

Even though I've had a first-hand taste of the battle Kelly was fighting (topic for another post) . . . After reading the articles linked at the end of this post and after watching the videos above -- especially the interview with Tarnopolski and his attorney -- I was almost, almost, just this close to giving Tarnopolski the benefit of the doubt, extremely poor judgement and suicide girl notwithstanding.

Then I found out that another, similar, criminal complaint involving another underaged girl was filed against Tarnopolski two days after Justice and Kelly were interviewed by a local news station about the harrassment.

Think about that for a minute: Two days after a victim publizes the unimaginable level of harrassment that would soon drive her to suicide, another underaged girl comes forward to say something to the effect of "I, too, was raped by Joseph Tarnopolski"?

Local police have referred the second case to the Wayne County Prosecutor's Office which isn't releasing any information except they're processing it.  Tarnopolski has since withdrawn from school due to threatening e-mails that have left his family afraid to leave their home.

To think I was ready to give this speaking filth the benefit of the doubt!  This piece of gangrenous humanity is only 18, and it's already clear that he's a victimizer, a predator. 

Here's where I'm reduced to a lesser person than I aspire to be most days, but so be it . . . I am glad that his tormentors have caused him to leave school.  I am fucking overjoyed that his family is afraid to leave their home. Honestly, I hope that, after he is imprisoned, they have to move a thousand miles away and change their family name to escape what he's done.   Justice has a dead daughter, so the Tarnopolski's would still  be better off.   

I desperately hope the other girl can find the strength within herself to stand proud, and to say it loud, that "I, too, was raped by Joseph Tarnopolski!"

A memorial to Kelly, created by a friend:

 Additional sources used as background for this post:

• Rape Case Dropped Following Samantha Kelly's Suicide
• Joe Tarnopolski Talks with FOX 2's Taryn Asher
• Alleged Rape Victim, 14, Taunted, Kills Self
• Rape Charge Against Huron High School Teen Dropped After Classmate's Suicide

~Riot.Jane

A Joe’s Take on Treating Child Sexual Abusers

I was a boy, and I was sexually abused in my family from the age of 11 or 12 to nearly 20. As a result, I might have a different perspective on how we should deal with abusers.

Zero tolerance, as expressed in most law, is an attempt by well-meaning legislators to capture that rarity which is the full-on pedophile. In that sense I say go for it and get those people into some kind of treatment.

The problem arises in that as disgusting as kiddy porn is, it's an after-the-fact response, sometimes years or decades after. By then it's far too late to help the child in question.

Then, of course, there's nations like Thailand who nod and wink as organized child abuse is traded on to increase tourist traffic. I don't buy for an instant that authorities in Thailand don't know who is running and controlling this appalling business or are completely unable to do anything about it. Mind you, it does draw true pedophiles as well as those who have fantasies. (And no, I don't understand what might cause those fantasies but as long as they aren't acted on I see no need to hunt those people down.)

The problem, as I said, with kiddie porn is that a response to it is after-the-fact rather than preventative.

As I said in my previous post, most abusers were abused themselves as children and come from within the circle of trusted adults and then, most often, from parents. To attack this head-on means exploding the myth of the nuclear family as some sort of perfect construction for the making and raising of children. In the United States and, to a lesser degree in Canada and Europe, this is well-ingrained and very well-defended.

Of course, there are professions that DO attract pedophiles and those who are in danger of repeating what happened to them. In no particular order they tend to be caring professions such as medicine, teaching, the clergy, therapists, police, coaching and, well, I'll let the reader complete the list. Any profession or trade that brings the pedophile in to near-constant contact with children where they can establish a trusted and trusting relationship with the child and its parents.

Each profession closes ranks around offenders, or has a history of that. The most obvious, for now, being the Roman Catholic Church. They're far from the only ones, though.

And each of these professions is surrounded by a mythology all their own, created by Hollywood or by themselves as wonderful, caring people who genuinely want to help their young charges and in the vast majority of cases they are. But amongst the angels there are devils.

So it means attacking the unattackable symbols of our society/civilization and I don't know of a single politician willing to take that one on.

Sending someone with a few pictures of child porn on their hard drive to jail for 10 years is akin to sending someone to the same jail for 10 years because they have an ounce or two of pot in their possession. In the former you aren't, in all likelihood, busting a true pedophile just as much as in the latter you haven't busted a dealer.

What abusers like my father needed and still need, and this is potential and actual abusers of both genders, is caring, non-judgmental treatment for exactly the reason I stated. They are very likely to be victims of abuse themselves and know no other way of expressing great affection. Jail isn't the place for that.

The true pedophile, on the other hand, really ought to be locked away in the same place we put psychopaths and sociopaths because they're another chip off of that self same block.

And then, we ourselves, need to look on those at the lower ends of society's rungs as what they most often are the outer grown up shell of shattered children who never, ever chose the life they now lead.

~TtfnJohn