Let’s go back a bit…
For months, I’d been telling people, “One of these days I’m gonna be topless on the Howard Stern Show!” I figured that being on the show would encourage other women to follow in my tracks.
Tired of society’s view that being a sexy senior is a curiosity to sniggle at, I decided to show the world that this “old broad” was living life according to her desires and having sex with men half her age!
Well, my prophesy came true:
One of Howard’s producers was member of my Health Club. I asked the enrollment manager to pitch an appearance for me, and I got booked for the following week.
My decision to appear was filled with both vanity and valor. Vain because I was exhibiting my breasts like a go-go dancer and valiant because I knew I would be teased, insulted, and even laughed at. Nevertheless, this was my opportunity to get my RetroAge® message across. Knowing that I would be inspiring women to be powerful, sexual and beautiful made me impervious to any derision. Besides I knew it would be great fun!
Briskly entering the studio, I let Howard know he wasn’t dealing with your typical “old hag,” as he had been referring to me all morning on the air. In an attempt to taunt me, he leered, “It’s really disgusting for old women to sleep with young guys.”
Here was my chance to best him at his own game.
“You know, Howard, when an old guy sleeps with a woman young enough to be his daughter, society respects and reveres him. But just let an old woman sleep with young guys, and society reacts like she’s sick and disgusting.”
Then, strategically dropping my melodramatic delivery, I leaned toward him, smiled, and slowly added, “Well, Howard…
I’m sick and disgusting!”
This unexpected comeback rendered him uncharacteristically contrite, “Okay. Hattie, you are good looking, but you’re much too old for me,” whereupon his sidekick Robin Quivers shot back, “And you’re too old for her, Howard!”
Possibly to save face, Howard summoned the producers and engineers from the control room, asking them one by one if they would fuck me. To a man, they replied, “You bet we would!”
Then he jabbed, “Are your teeth real?”
“Everything’s real,” I replied, coyly playing with the bejeweled collar of my desgner jacket. The shock jock looked down at his notes and, almost as a dare, said “It says here that you’re going to take your top off. Is that true?”
“Yes, it is,” I replied, calmly removing my jacket. I was determined to get as much mileage as I could out of this TV appearance. I knew that the network would cover my breasts with pixels, so I wasn’t completely exposing myself… and it would be years before my grandchildren would see a tape.
Perhaps I didn’t alter Howard’s oft-uttered repulsion for older women, but It certainly gave the TV audience a good look at a senior who hasn’t chosen to been cut, stitched or injected to be sexy.
It made for a wild show that was aired three times.
Not bad for an “old hag.”
What can I say… he got the breast of me…