While I'm trying to figure out exactly what it all means, I'm feeling as if I want to die.
You can see what happened to my sun . . .
When I realized I had a four-day weekend and could request and receive a fifth day in order to go see him, that was top sun.
When I called him to tell him this good news, and he seemed noncommital about it, that was the second sun.
When he called me that night to tell me that he'd thought about it for five hours and didn't want me to visit, that was the third sun.
And when he continued, telling me that he needs "time," my sun went dark.
Apparently, my troubles are too much of a handful. Apparently, being a medical guide and being emotionally attached are different, and the latter is too much to bear. Apparently, a flare-up of my medical condition requires emotional recovery time on his part. Apparently, I'm not as happy when with him as I am when with two friends who recently moved back from out of state. Apparently, this disturbs him. Apparently, this all caught him by as much surprise as it caught me.
He said to leave him alone for a while. He said he's not breaking up with me but doesn't know what else to do. He said he still loves me and wants to be with me. He said he's at a loss but has to protect himself. He said he wants me to be happy to see him and that I'm not. He said that I am not enough at ease with him to relax and enjoy myself. He said there's something wrong between us that he can't specify yet. He said he's always been afraid that I would disappear one day because someone else did it to him before. He said that I've never dispelled the feeling.