Letter of Support: "My Sun Went Out When He Said He Needs 'Time'"

We've decided to post a very long comment of support that Lolly.Jane left for Riot.Jane in response to My Sun Went Out When He Said He Needs "Time" . . .


My Dear Riot.Jane,

I have VERY LITTLE TIME either physically or emotionally to devote effort or even thought to anyone outside of my immediate view. I've had to take this view for a while now, as you well know, to stay sane.

That being said, despite the fact that you're not in my immediate view, I have thrown my entire support behind you and your BF because you are two people that I hold in very high regard.

You both are so brave and intelligent and honest in all things equally.  You're both open minded. You both make me laugh with your honesty and bluntness, but also with your heart and soul and amazing senses of humor.

As I've mentioned before, your BF was unequivocally my inspiration to go back to college. And just in case I haven't mentioned it before, I consider you to be the most interesting and uncompromising voice of modern feminism that I've heard in years.

You both do talk fast, so it sets people in a place where they HAVE to listen.  Ordinarily that would be the extent of someone, but YOU have something to say.  That, and your writing is equally valuable, and well thought out.

(OK, personal admiration in the extreme, check...)

Now, your relationship has also been an inspiration to me - I think that it fully involved both of your best qualities to the extreme, and you are both so engaged beyond the distance.  This is the sort of thing that I defend 300%, whether I have "time" to or not, because I feel that its good for you both, and a testament to the ability of something to survive beyond the barriers.

(relationship admiration, check...)

Sooooooo... let me put my money where my mouth is... if your boyfriend says that he needs time....well, that sucks great amounts of unpleasant things, but he wouldn't say that if he didn't mean it.  He may be confused about the exact cause, but he would need the time to figure it out, and it sounds like he's asking for that.

So, yeah.  Suckage in the extreme, but understandable.  But here's the important part:

I am fully behind this decision despite it injuring my friend, Riot.Jane, but if I turn out to be wrong in my support, and this is frivolous, or bullshit or something, then I will withdraw my support from all things her BF. He may not be aware of it for years, it may never affect him, but I will make every attempt to be sure that he knows that I went from someone who would drive all night, and spend all my money to help him, to someone who wouldn't piss on him if he was on fire.

You make think this unfair, but I am aware that I'm only getting one side of the story and I'm accounting for that.  Be aware that, as much as I adore you, if he were to (God forbid) break up with you, and he had a VALID reason, I'd still support him.  On the other hand, if he's bullshitting, he better make DAMN SURE I never find out. 

I suffer enough fools in my life.  I love you both because you're NOT the fools in my life, or if you're foolish, it's for valid reasons. In a way, I hold you both to a higher standard, I guess, because there's a level of honesty with you guys that I don't get with a lot of other people.

There are so many people (personally and professionally) that I have to be always nice with, and always hold my tongue; everything has to be put through a filter.  I realize that this is self-imposed and based on my need to be liked and accepted, HOWEVER it can be EXHAUSTING. You try to be all things to all people, and you end up being nothing to anyone.

Being kind and filtering yourself is an effort you naturally make for biological family because you've the societal and ever-nurtured pressure to do so.  Its an effort that you CHOOSE to make for friends; there's no more's to support it (quite the opposite in fact, if we're to believe the popular media. Close friends are always betraying each other - I just can't live like that!).  I think it more valuable the older that I get, and you'll note that most of the people that I give that consideration to have been my friends for over a decade.

(But that's ME - I only bring it up to highlight why I will storm the gates of Heaven for you both.)

You both should feel free to talk to me for whatever you need. I am here for both of you, as I always have been.  This roadblock sucks, but it is part of building relationships with people; I feel confident that both of you will emerge from this with a stronger relationship, whatever the outcome.  So, I'm going to put my love and energy to getting you through the hurt and confusion of now, and into that stronger point - whatever is healthy and right for both of you. Be careful with each other's hearts, but be honest to your own. :-*

Oh, a note to your BF: Everything that I said about you, applies to Riot.Jane as well. I feel fairly confident that neither of your is capable or willing to engage in that level of prevarication, so I'm secure in my decision.


1 comment:

  1. Thanks so much for writing, Lolly! Having people in my life who care makes a big difference during this period.

    I wish I could convey how much this is killing me. I can stay busy enough during the day to briefly take my mind off of how much this just sucks, but I can't accomplish that night. The time just spins out in front of me in a variegated spread of emptiness , longing, doubt, and pain.

    Something else he said was that the fact that I take a couple of days to get used to him again when I see him after substantial time away is not normal. My girlfiend says he should talk to military families, that she experienced the same thing when her man returned from deployment, and that the phenomenon is so common in military relationships as to be accepted as normal.

    My heart is not yet broken, but it IS bent double. I'm sure it's only my famous obstinancy that is keeping it from breaking cleanly.

    I wonder, though, what lasts longer . . . The obstinancy or the pain?

    I wish him better than I wish myself, because I love him dearly. I hope he finds what he needs, with or without me. I just hope that he finds that what is best for him IS here.

    Caught between who he was and who he wants to be, with a woman that both delights and damages him . . . Not a place I'd want to be.

    Even if it meant leaving where I am now.