When it comes to abusive relationships, I think I understand the psychology of the victim, and how the abuser ends up psychologically cornering the victim into not leaving (or delaying leaving).
What I don't understand at all is the psychology of the abuser. Maybe I'm missing the piece of my brain that such behavior appeals to, but I can't understand why abusers do what they do, especially the escalation process.
So, understanding that much of the Jane community has lived and/or researched such things, I address this question to you:
Can someone explain or offer insights into the psychology of the abuser in abusive relationships?
~Jo Jane
Jo,
ReplyDeleteI can share what my therapist explained to me. It seems that in many cases the abuser is a person who is powerless in other aspects of their life. It could be at work, thier family (parents, siblings, etc.) , other social relations, what have you. Many times they will be shy around those people in thier lives who aren't dependent on them in some way. Other men tend to respond negatively to an abuser; they many times instinctively know something is "off" with this person. This can fuel the abuser's view that the world is agaist them. I was told that a man who is abusive wasn't nessacarily abused himself (although many times this is the case), they have just been made to feel powerless and therefore assert control over what they can. They also have personality disorders.
In my case,my abuser wasn't beaten as a child, he wasn't molested, he wasn't made to feel bad about himself. He simply lived in a chaotic environment and never felt any control over his surroundings. The lack of order and calm in his life resulted in someone whom felt the need to malipulate EVERYTHING in his life to his own desire. Strangly, rather than trying to make order in his life, he created utter and complete chaos where there was none. It was as though he was compelled to make everything as ugly and cluttered as his own subconcious.
I imagine there are a plethora of reasons a person would abuse another but as for the general reason, it's the same as rape. A person needing a sense of control and using another person to gain it.