After the Rain

I am not a feminist. I have no problems with feminism, it's just a little rigid for me. I have always admired feminists, and have no problems with them, but I believe that I'm more for equality across the bored . . . except for assholes . . . but I digress. Not. A. Feminist. I just wanted that out of the way.

So, you won't be too disappointed in me when I say that I'm lonely. I'm not alone at all, and I have plenty of companionship, but I am lonely for a husband . . . or maybe an ideal . . . I'm not really sure. Let me tell you a story:

A long time ago, I fell in Love. I'm not capitalizing it out of some sappy ideal or stupid unrealistic idea about life, I was actually head over heels, having serious co-dependency issues, goofy in Love. He was The One, my everything. Problem was, he only loved me, and, therefore, he could live without me. Too many years have passed for me to untangle his motives out of all that, suffice to say that he was resolute enough in his beliefs that he ended it despite my begging him not to.

I fell apart a whole lot. I don't know what I would have done if a friend hadn't taken me in. I found that I tend to hyper-focus on lyrics* when I'm upset. I remember really agonizing over some doozies like:

Well, I guess you left me with some feathers in my hand
Did it make you any easier to just leave me where I stand?

or

If I could be with you again,
I would fall all over you like rain

or

You look like shit, what's your problem bitch?
Your legs feel like sandpaper, you can't do anything right

Cheerful stuff, right? Let's just say that I was a wee bit bitter. Regardless, the lyrics from one song really stick out in my memory from this period:

Stay by my side,
Stay here forever,
I'll be your heart of hearts,
You'll be my spring.
Don't you leave me alone,
Don't you leave me forsaken,
To hold you tonight, I would give anything

The song, by a band called Celtic Thunder, really captured my confusion, indignation and desperation. Over and over I listened to that song, to the point where I have it memorized backward and forward. I got even more indignant, I moved on and I built myself a life, brick by brick, with the help of my family and friends.

Fast forward a decade, and there was a tragedy. Most of those that I grew up calling family disappeared out of greed or cowardice; I don't know which to apply, and I don't care, the ones that count stuck around. I found myself longing to start a family of my own, to find a partner, and have some rug rats to give me gray hairs.

It's harder than it sounds, but I'm trying to figure it out bit by bit. The first step is getting over this concept of "one and only." That's when the last and most important verse of the song popped unbidden into my mind:

They say that true love comes once and once only,
And the way lover's start is the way they'll remain,
But I've got my eyes open,
In my heart I'm still hopin',
That the sun shines the brightest after the rain

I hope that's the truth, partially because I'm lonely, partially because I'm lazy, and partially because I really love kids, and would love to have a whole bushel of them. I just have to make some room, but that's do-able. Wish me luck.

~Lolly "Just Found the Sun" Pop

*Song lyrics were from memory, but they were, in order, Angels of the Silences by The Counting Crows, Mandocello by Concrete Blonde, That Day by Poe, and After the Rain by Celtic Thunder. I have no right to these songs, nor affiliation with the artists, just a deep and abiding appreciation for a good turn of phrase.