For Want of Selfishness

I am so effing tired. I would love to sleep for a million years, but I can't. Part of it (I know) is whatever is wrong with me medically, but part of it is just all the work that I feel I need to do just to be a decent human being. Seriously.

Let's just think about this: a minimum of 40 hours a week of work for a bipolar, self absorbed, superficial cow (more on her another time), and I am so concerned about being a good little worker bee that I sometimes work an extra six to eight hours off the clock to pad my productivity. Does she appreciate this? nah. She constantly disrupts my job so I don't get 'comfortable' because she thinks she's my effing mentor, and that's what a mentor should do.

Then a minimum of 20 hours per week on school. That's an effing riot, but I can't can't drop out again - I have hinged my freaking future on this degree, and I can't afford to do this to myself again.

Then I've pledged to visit my parents @ least once a month, so that's six hours of driving and another round of therapy, which I'm not getting because my crazy boss makes it a habit of reading our insurance claims, and I can't give her the idea that I might not have everything together in one nice, name brand package. I already have to make up for the fact that I'm fat.

Then I have to prop up people's egos and/or health for a good while, because I'm the only one nice enough to do it when their own girlfriends or wives won't care enough to do it on their own.

I do all this, and you dare to make fun of my house? When do I have time to clean? I do all this, and you make fun of my not dating anyone? When do I have a chance to meet anyone, let alone overcome my shyness and negative body image long enough to talk to them? But why don't you call me spinster or old maid again? It's that sort of fun shit that KEEPS me lonely. I do all this and you call me short tempered? Of course I'm short tempered - I'm exhausted, and you're one of the only people that I feel like can be myself with, but when I do, we get to hear all about how it upsets you.

Have you ever seen one of those incredibly vapid girls in the mall flouncing from place to place, boyfriend to boyfriend, not a thought in their head past how the world affects them? I have, in fact I'm related to several.

I used to be that vapid and selfish bimbo, but decided that I was too intelligent for that. I want to go back. I may have had my eyes closed, but I always had a boyfriend. I always got enough sleep. I was taken care of constantly, and I was able to accept that care. I never worried about money, or perceptions, or time.

But I have taken the fruit from the tree of knowledge, and become ashamed of my nakedness. Now I can never return to the garden of Eden. I now must ignore my crippling arthritis and fatigue to finish a report, go shopping for the week, put on a smiley face, figure out major home repairs, and listen to people complain about me the entire time.

Sorry to rant, but there it is. Thank you for providing me with a place to let it out.

Yours, Lolly "more Eve than Lilith" Pop


  1. I completely understand the part about wanting to back. I feel that way sometimes too. Kind of reminds me of the Matrix, "I should have taken the blue pill". I know your road looks hopelessly dark right now but the knowledge you've secured will be your strength later. It sounds as though you have a lot on your plate and that you're quest for betterment is becoming treacherous. Hang in there, things will up.

  2. It sounds as though your boss needs a few lessons in humilty. We hope that you'll consider talking to her frankly about your feelings and the fact that she is damaging your self-esteem. These personal attacks aren't a part of mentoring.

    We salute you for returning for school and taking the hard road! Its easy to be vapid; its SO much harder to live with eyes wide open. So congratulations on being such pure awesomeness!

  3. It sounds like you've become a victim of the number one issue between women- compitition. We females love to tear one another down in order to stand on the backs of the fallen and get a little closer to the sun. It may not feel like it but your boss may feel threatened by you in some way. Or she may see an opening to grind you even further into dispair. This is exactly why we need things like the Jane Project. Women have to completely re-learn how to intereact with one another.

    Lolly, fight honey. Fight with everything you have and DO NOT become this person's victim. Grow stronger in your resolve as a result of her abuse and be her mentor. Teach her all about being a true woman and grow with this experience. We're rooting for you!

  4. I am very lucky -- My personal strengths led me to a technical field predominated by men. It's a field that suits me. In a group of 50, I am the only female.

    This is a convenient thing, for, in general, I dislike working with women, and I have not been successful when working within a group of women. For all of the reasons Lolly touches on and more (starting with politics, shooting past dishonesty, and ending in my own paranoia), I don't trust women. That's one of the reasons I'm active in TJP -- I'm truly hoping that, by getting to "know" other women without actually being in their physical presence, that I can change my view of women in general.

    @Lolly (remainder of comment) --

    First: Remember, girl, that everyone else's baggage isn't YOUR baggage unless you MAKE it your baggage. Even if it's your boss, roommate, parent, sibling, spouse -- Their baggage is NOT your baggage.

    Help. Listen. Give them room if they're throwing a tantrum, but consciously focus on not stressing over THEIR crap. Say it over and over to yourself:

    "Their crap is not my crap. They are the captain of their own ship. Their crap is not my crap. They are the captain of their own ship."

    Lather. Rinse. Repeat ad infinitum (or at least until the urge to accept their baggage as their own passes, which I promise it will.)

    Second: As for getting and accepting help -- If you can't bring yourself to be aggressive, loudmouthed, belligerent, bitchy, or any other word used to describe plainly-spoken women, you must, at the very least, start by speaking your needs clearly.

    BOSS: I'm sorry, I have to finish this right now because of the deadline. Can we speak directly after lunch?

    PARENT: I'm really not safe to drive I'm so tired, but I want to see you. Can I come next weekend?

    SPOUSE: The front door lock broke, and I have a paper due this weekend. I already bought the lock, would you please install it?

    You get the idea. I've found that the keys are:

    -1- Don't bring up past crap, even if full of self-righteous rage: (You always bug me when I'm trying to work!)

    -2- Show some partnership, even when not feeling it: (I already bought the lock.)

    -3- Give a reason why you need the help, without guilt: (I'm not really safe to drive.)