For Want of Selfishness

I am so effing tired. I would love to sleep for a million years, but I can't. Part of it (I know) is whatever is wrong with me medically, but part of it is just all the work that I feel I need to do just to be a decent human being. Seriously.

Let's just think about this: a minimum of 40 hours a week of work for a bipolar, self absorbed, superficial cow (more on her another time), and I am so concerned about being a good little worker bee that I sometimes work an extra six to eight hours off the clock to pad my productivity. Does she appreciate this? nah. She constantly disrupts my job so I don't get 'comfortable' because she thinks she's my effing mentor, and that's what a mentor should do.

Then a minimum of 20 hours per week on school. That's an effing riot, but I can't can't drop out again - I have hinged my freaking future on this degree, and I can't afford to do this to myself again.

Then I've pledged to visit my parents @ least once a month, so that's six hours of driving and another round of therapy, which I'm not getting because my crazy boss makes it a habit of reading our insurance claims, and I can't give her the idea that I might not have everything together in one nice, name brand package. I already have to make up for the fact that I'm fat.

Then I have to prop up people's egos and/or health for a good while, because I'm the only one nice enough to do it when their own girlfriends or wives won't care enough to do it on their own.

I do all this, and you dare to make fun of my house? When do I have time to clean? I do all this, and you make fun of my not dating anyone? When do I have a chance to meet anyone, let alone overcome my shyness and negative body image long enough to talk to them? But why don't you call me spinster or old maid again? It's that sort of fun shit that KEEPS me lonely. I do all this and you call me short tempered? Of course I'm short tempered - I'm exhausted, and you're one of the only people that I feel like can be myself with, but when I do, we get to hear all about how it upsets you.

Have you ever seen one of those incredibly vapid girls in the mall flouncing from place to place, boyfriend to boyfriend, not a thought in their head past how the world affects them? I have, in fact I'm related to several.

I used to be that vapid and selfish bimbo, but decided that I was too intelligent for that. I want to go back. I may have had my eyes closed, but I always had a boyfriend. I always got enough sleep. I was taken care of constantly, and I was able to accept that care. I never worried about money, or perceptions, or time.

But I have taken the fruit from the tree of knowledge, and become ashamed of my nakedness. Now I can never return to the garden of Eden. I now must ignore my crippling arthritis and fatigue to finish a report, go shopping for the week, put on a smiley face, figure out major home repairs, and listen to people complain about me the entire time.

Sorry to rant, but there it is. Thank you for providing me with a place to let it out.

Yours, Lolly "more Eve than Lilith" Pop